You and I don’t know each other, but I need to tell you this anyway: I love The Cheesecake Factory. Not in that ironic disaffected way that so many people “love” huge chains. And not in a secret way, either. I can’t fully explain why I adore a garish chain restaurant that tries to be both upscale and down-to-earth at the same time while completely failing at both (like Paris and Nicole on every season of The Simple Life), but if there’s a Cheesecake Factory in the mall I’m at, you can bet I’m going. In fact, the picture of me that accompanies this post was taken at a Cheesecake Factory and you can tell that my happiness is genuine, just like yours is when you’re digging into a 3,000 calorie order of egg rolls while the strangest covers of contemporary hits blare randomly throughout the dining room.
Now, the best restaurant in America has provided a fantastic reason for you to wait in line for 45 minutes in order to get a table* (fifteen minutes if you’re willing to sit outside): Funfetti cheesecake! According Food & Wine, The Factory (as we insiders call it) is pulling out all the stops come National Cheesecake Day on July 30th. They’ll be offering half-price slices of all their cheesecakes through July 31st (one per customer, so plan to leave and come back) and introducing the “Celebration Cheesecake,” which is described thusly:
It will feature layers of the brand’s original flavor cheesecake and vanilla cake with strawberry, chocolate, and vanilla mousse, all topped with cream cheese frosting and brightly colored edible “confetti.” That’s right, it’s like a birthday cake that includes bonus cheesecake.
You take one bite of this and Wilford Brimley canters up on a horse, tips his hat and asks if you’ve heard that if you have diabeetus you may qualify for a free meter from Liberty Medical. And then you’re sitting there in a Cheesecake Factory with your mouth hanging open — both because it’s so amazing to be talking to Brimley and because the slices of cheesecake are so large you have to politely unhinge your jaw to take a bite — wondering just how much sugar you’ve ingested to be having this hallucination in the first place.
We couldn’t tell you. The nutritional information on this baby isn’t out yet. Still, you’ll want to go and get some anyway. At half-price, it’d be unAmerican not to.