TJ Miller’s Latest Yelp Review Is The Absurdist Food Writing The Culinary World Needs

UPROXX

Ever since T.J. Miller left Silicon Valley (hopefully to come work at Uproxx), one thing has become crystal clear: Some people don’t get him. Miller cavorts wildly from anti-humor to traditional setup-punch jokes to Erlich Bachman-esque buffoonery. He has no regard for conventions and bounces from absurdism to sincerity, while urging the squares to keep up. For his fans, it’s great fun.

Nowhere is Miller’s frenetic approach showcased as clearly as his wild (and wildly fascinating) Yelp profile. The New York Post has covered it before, and the Eater crew highlighted it today, but Miller’s latest review, of Jui Noodle in Greenwich Village, is worth breaking down here:

It starts out hot:

We mostly go for the dumplings, but this place is no “dump” in terms of its noodles that’s for sure!
LOL roll on the floor LOL or a farewell ROTFL ROFL roll roll roll drop and roll laughing avoid the fire roll on the floor laughing.

Annnnnd… we’re all half-lost. That’s the Miller gift: He get’s us lost in joke thickets and convinces us it’s all an adventure, before pivoting to grooming advice:

The Hong Kong pork bun, and the fried pork buns are incredibly delicious and very soft… if they are warm when they come to the table push them against your eyes and your face… You’ll thank me later!, or it’ll feel weird and you won’t thank me when you see me later on.

Yes! Add those sensory details, would-be food writers! Next, Miller stakes his claim to Yelp legitimacy with a strong food take:

Watercress shrimp dumplings? Why the fuck would I not you crazy motherfuckers they’re green for god sake – green like this God’s great earth!

Of course, it’s not Yelp unless you have a little hating (even in a five-star entry):

I would be lying though, and I would be remiss not to be authentic as one of the original yelp gangsters, but the quality of their paper bags are shit. It’s a pile of garbage the bags they use in their takeout and delivery are so low-quality that I wouldn’t put shit in one of them and light it on fire outside the porch of my most hated English teacher from high school.

But you should really be dining in, you barbarian. And clean your plate.

T.J. Miller: To go bag connoisseur; advocate for eating in restaurants. Weirdo.

Love him or hate him, you have to admit, this dude would be fascinating to eat dinner with. T.J., if you’re reading this, know that you have a standing job offer.